The Toilet (Anthology: “Places where I enjoy reading”)

The Toilet (Anthology: “Places where I enjoy reading”)

This post is my first on a topic that is mostly irrelevant but nonetheless entertaining (I need to emphasize that it is entertaining to me) to think about: the places where I like to read. The weeks that follow (or months based on my productivity) I shall explain why those places are ideal to grab a book –again, ideal to me –and, because I’m feeling generous, I will also let you know my reading recommendations for those particular places.

Without further ado, place number one: The Toilet

(Warning to the tasteful reader: This entry will be filled with lots toilet humour, both literally and figuratively.)

I wanted to start with the one place where all potential readers have been at least once in their life, and if you are not in that demographic please accept my sincere apology and feel free to let me know how you have access to a computer/phone and not a toilet – I’m seriously fascinated by that scenario and open to unusual friendships –. I am not sure what is it about the toilet that makes me want to read. The first reason that popped in my head was because it is relaxing, and yes when I read I relax but mostly mentally and very marginally physically. The second reason was because it is distracting. It is a nasty business taking place down there might as well shift your focus somewhere else. A third reason could be a question of killing time, but this last one does not apply to me. Why? Two words: Like clockwork (I’ve got to admit I chuckled loudly at a joke that was far more explicit and that I ultimately editorialized).

Out of the three reasons mentioned, the second (distraction) is the one that seemed the most logical to me if forced to choose one, but thinking a bit more on the subject (I really need to find a hobby) I believe that the truth is somewhere in the middle. I reached this conclusion based on the kind of things that I like to read when I’m taking care of my business. To explain why I’d like to  bring up the two contenders that are perfect toilet book:

This book is the shit!

– Bart Simpson’s Guide to Life: I want to start with the strongest contender for the perfect toilet read. I’ve had this book since the sweet age of ten and has been a loyal companion in my trips to the loo (no need to be unsophisticated when talking about these matters). You can flip to any page and find entertaining things to read about and creative images from a time long ago when The Simpsons ruled the earth (until season 8). I’d highly recommend it for those of you that fall under the “drop&go” category (didn’t take long to go back unsophisticated). It works equally well if you want to take your time but I’d imagine that it’d loose it’s freshness if it the only book that you have for the toilet.

My number two!

Woody Allen’s Complete Prose: So you are thinking “I’m smart and funny”, why am I reading this post? I have no clue why you are reading this, but I think this will be right up your alley. This omnibus contains Mr. Allen’s first three books Getting Even, Without Feathers (my favourite) and Side Effects and it is filled with his brand of humour and style. A few excerpts:

  • Idea for a story: A man awakens to find his parrot has been made Secretary of Agriculture
  • What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
  • What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
  • Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable, with the possible exception of a moose singing “Embraceable You” in spats.

When I thought about these two book I discovered that they cover all three factors and they are very entertaining. I can go back to them over and over again and that’s why I enjoy reading them in the toilet and not any other books.

Now four things I want to make very clear before I finish this post:

– Even I’m not really sure what is the point of this post.

Not all books are good toilet books…… especially if they are heavy and you need to take a load off! (XD). Ok, I’m calm now. Back on topic. Not all books are good toilet books: Yes, you can take any book to a toilet but there may be missing key elements (for me the above mentioned, for you the reader, something completely different).

–  Just because I consider them ideal reading for the toilet it does not mean that they are bad books. If anything the re-read value is higher than the average. So don’t be a dick and say no to toilet book hate #nototoiletbookhate.

Last and most important: order of actions when taking a book to the toilet: grab book, drop pants, sit down, get business done, place book safely away from you, wipe, pull up pants, wash your hands, grab the book again and leave it in the bookshelf. Otherwise the degree of poop particles in your adored book may qualify it as a health hazard.

Remember: #nototoiletbookhate.

P.S: I’m fully aware that this may be the dumbest post in the history of the Internet.

P.S.S: I really struggled not to make this post my place number two for obvious comedic reasons.

P.S.S.S: Happy Birthday Miss A!